Starting to take care of yourself after being abused can be daunting and vague. As someone who has been in that situation myself, I know how hard it can be. But if what you're looking for is to ditch the weights off your shoulders and seek a brighter life, then you need to make the move, and I GUARANTEE you, your soul will thrive again!
Disclosure: This post includes some sponsored links that might’ve helped me or that I might’ve used before. Whatever you read in this blog is should not be considered or used as a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. It is a blog that provides general information and discussions about mental health and health-related subjects.
1. Make The TRUE Decision
I've seen lots of types. The first type agrees and sacrifices "others" to live safely under the narcissist's wings. Regardless of the fact that they always complain about their narcissist member of the group or member of the family!
I lived with people who had been complaining about their narcissists for as long as 40+ years but NEVER left their narcissists. What they were actually doing was being the narcissists secondhand. They chose to be their assistants which is much easier than battling the narcissists. Despite the fact that they shed blood sometimes due to the narcissist's abuse, they still defend them all the time and collaborate with abusing others or their children.
They'll always look up for a reason to defend the narcissist by convincing everyone that it's not the narcissist's fault or normal self, even if the abuse was happening on daily basis, or that living with the narcissist is not that bad, and start blackmailing others to remind them how much pain they caused or how much struggles they would've faced without the narcissist's blesses.
After observing many of this type, I came up with a conclusion they will never tell anybody about it. That they're as weak and corrupt as the narcissist, and they chose to go along with the path that resembles their TRUE hidden self, that they were so coward to act like it out loud.
I used to always, always wonder? What could possibly paralyze them from rescuing themselves? and after years of observing I finally understood that they share the same core, only with different masks.
The second type can be so much similar to the first type, except that they are not ill-hearted in particular.
The second type can be so much similar to the first type, except that they are not ill-hearted in particular.
They're simply narrow-minded people, with some codependency traits. Living in their own comfort zone, and listening to their narcissistic captain that they've had to share with the same boat by their own choice.
The third type chose to refuse to continue being abused, or others, and rescue whoever they can along with themselves.
The third type, who has a healthy compass, at least in this situation, about what's right and what's wrong, can go along with reading the rest of the post.
2. Safety First
It depends on your situation. Abusers can be unpredictable once they know you've figured them out. They might take their masks off and act more aggressively and controlling.
It's not wise to confront them, try to change them, or force them to seek help. These are all useless steps.
What you need to take care of first is your safety, your children's safety, your assets, or any valuables that might be taken from you or held against you at any time in the future.
3. Empower Yourself
Yes, it's going to get nasty from now on. Plan for a FULL escaping plan!
Start gathering evidence that you might use to protect yourself or your loved ones. Save them on multiple devices, and on the cloud, just in case you might lose them.
Plan for plan B. What can you do if you will be kicked off the house, job, or any situation that narcissist controls and might threaten you with?
Have enough savings or a place that you can go to, that your narcissist has no authority on.
4. Play It Low
Don't announce your plan to anyone.
Sadly, narcissists usually have all people in your cycle as spies and (flying monkeys of Oz) to assist them in controlling you.
From another perspective, they've brainwashed everybody that you're the trouble and the issue of everybody's lives!
Sounds extra dramatic? I wish you will never see that side ever in your life, but you can ask who ever been in such a situation before. Bookshelves and movies are full of such stories.
5. Act, Once You're Ready
Narcissists can understand emotions amazingly well, that's how they look charming and become manipulators, and for this same reason, they can sense the change in your behavior, and figure out your plot.
The point is here, it's hard to fake it for a long period, you will be able to tell better than anyone.
For that, get ready as soon as you can, and start acting.
6. Reach Out For a Qualified Help
First, they must be people from outside the narcissist's social circles. This is going to shock some of you when they reach out for a close family member's help, and they start claiming you, the victim, as the wrong one!
Please, avoid that, and choose wiser steps instead.
An aid that the narcissist has no power on, such as contacting a lawyer for guidance through the process.
I didn't have a lot of experience with the "tough world", and that is exactly what I did. I didn't have to pay anything, I kept searching the web for similar cases as my case. Also, used quick consultation, such as contacting lawyers' personal accounts on Twitter, or any free services that were provided by real lawyers practicing in the field. At least that option is available in the country I was living in.
I also ended up talking to an online therapist to counsel me on every step I am about to make and help me think clearly about the next right thing.
My main struggle was my emotions here, I wasn't ready emotionally for this shocking and sudden fact! Or the drastic change in the people around me!
The therapist didn't make the decisions for me! They only show me the options clearly. With all of my fears, anxiety, and burned-out body draining all of me, I needed someone more knowledgeable than me to clarify to me what was going on in my life at that moment.
7. Set Boundaries
Now you are under control of your life again. Congratulations!
The narcissist will now drown you with their old strategies and games during this period, intensively. The good ones and the bad ones, unfortunately.
Refuse verbal, emotional, and physical abuse.
Make it clear and firm that you won't accept being treated like this anymore!
Which they will ask? The loud voice, calling you names, cursing, and violence, telling you it's your fault, threatening you that you will regret your actions, and predicting your future that it's going to be worse than any mankind has ever been.
Just simply request formal and respectable behavior, like what people act in formal meetings and situations. Being an employee or a partner doesn't give anyone the right to treat you disrespectfully.
Just simply request formal and respectable behavior, like what people act in formal meetings and situations. Being an employee or a partner doesn't give anyone the right to treat you disrespectfully.
If they didn't apply these rules, walk away immediately, if possible. This is going to help you with cutting off the narcissist from your life, easily.
To see the narcissist's strategies as clear as the day; I advise you to educate yourself about their behaviors and read as much as you can.
You're going to be amazed at how similar their tactics are!
Your own memories will be the same as lots of other victims around the globe and throughout history!
The main point of educating yourself is; to distinguish what's real and what's fake.
The narcissist's victims can hold good memories of the fake and manipulative behavior, and retaining the good feeling memory can give victims false hopes.
The narcissist always plays a mask just to reach the targeted goal.
Basically, the good feelings are for the good mask, the role play. Not the narcissist, not the person.
8. Use Grey Rocking Technic, Less Is More
Cut all contacts (if possible). If not, contact as less.
Never
- Argue
- Correct perspectives
- Request something
- Beg for something
- Involve emotions
- Curse or revenge
- Share info or secrets
The idea is; to act as a complete independent stranger!
This attitude is going to weaken the narcissist's situation and empower your position by showing them that your words and actions are serious and they no longer have any control over you.
Expect nothing from them, and give them nothing against you. Here is when the well-built escaping plan come in handy.
Everything Will Be Used Against You, that's why it's better to avoid any contacts, save them for necessary matters discussions, and keep contacts on the grey rock level.
"To “grey rock” a person involves making all interactions with them as uninteresting and unrewarding as possible. In general, this means giving short, straightforward answers to questions and hiding emotional reactions to the things a person says or does.
The idea behind grey rocking is that it will, in theory, cut off a person’s “narcissistic supply” and cause them to lose interest in their target".
By, Zawn Villines. Medical News Today.
9. Protect Your Social Media
Stop sharing anything about you or your loved ones. Hide your status, or change your number completely.
Unless you're so confident to face their annoyance daily, then it doesn't matter.
Just to be clear, they will follow you to your grave. And some types will seek revenge or stalk you.
For your own safety and peace, vanish from their world, if you can.
10. Acknowledge That You Have Been Wounded, Then Reach Healing
Unfortunately, the abusers' effects don't go away on their own! And it's not superficial either.
Diagnosing the issue is half the treatment. whether you have been abused for a short or a long period, or it was emotional or physical abuse, the damage has already been done,
When It's Over, Take a Break and Start Healing Your Wounds
Problems of the past are more often problems of tomorrow's too, if not treated.
Practice self-care and improve yourself to revive your old soul that has been destroyed by your abuser.
11. Express Your Emotions
Let your soul go through the stages of grief. You have been through a LOT, and acting strong isn't what's going to make you better. Instead, let your current emotions out and give yourself the time to grieve properly.
You have done a great job so far, and it's not anybody's fault here.
You have been enlightened by the truth, and blessed with the courage that guided you to the right action.
Have hopes for a brighter future, even when it's uncertain yet.
12. And, In The End, This Too Shall Pass
It can be an overwhelming war and might last for a long period of time. But the only thing that helped calm my anxiety was knowing that this is temporary, and I'm not alone in this, lots have been in this situation and managed to move forward happily.
You need to hold on and put in the effort, and success will come eventually.
İf you failed or feared facing your own battles, who's else you're expecting to do it for you?
Sooner or later, it shall pass.
Final Words
You don't have to do it alone!
You can have one-to-one therapy, online or face-to-face, or group therapy.
Click Here if you want to try an online therapy With only 40$/month, the link includes a 20% discount for the first month.
They are licensed therapists who have worked before with lots of people with your issues and more. You can also pick your contact method whether by video, calls, or messages.
I have tried online therapy, and my therapists were an awesome help to me, and I still remember every word and piece of advice they gave me! They're still valuable and helpful today.
They are licensed therapists who have worked before with lots of people with your issues and more. You can also pick your contact method whether by video, calls, or messages.
I have tried online therapy, and my therapists were an awesome help to me, and I still remember every word and piece of advice they gave me! They're still valuable and helpful today.
I am so thankful for the online therapy opportunity! it served me in one of the darkest moments of my life, and I really wish you too, from the deepest of my heart, whoever you were that you will find peace soon, and continue living in it.
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