How to Help Someone in A Narcissistic Relationship (10 steps)

I had a friend who I always hear her voice coming out from behind the door venting out to our mutual friend with tears and a desperate voice almost every time I arrive at my part-time job. After years of listening to her complaints carefully, face to face, I get to the conclusion that she was married to a narcissist, to say the least.

There's one common belief among all narcissistic victims I have ever encountered. They don't realize they're being abused in a way that no one is obligated to bare it, or take responsibility to fix it.

But the feeling of being doomed, tied up, and ashamed has made them give up hope.

That friend, and everyone else I knew, were choking themselves with that belief without realizing it. And that's exactly what narcissists and sociopaths aim for.

And since I've tried to help many people around me who suffered from personality disorders, and faced lots of trouble and burnout over these years, I have gathered some basic steps psychologists and survival victims, including myself, to be a victim supporter and a great friend. which I really wished that I knew before years ago. Reference links are below.

Disclosure: This post includes some sponsored links that might’ve helped me or that I might’ve used before. Whatever you read in this blog is should not be considered or used as a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. It is a blog that provides general information and discussions about mental health and health-related subjects.

1. Listen Carefully Before Coming Up With Any Conclusions

Humans are not perfect, after all. They do mistakes, lash out at each other for lots of reasons, and more importantly, they came from different backgrounds.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder isn't an occasional attitude or a personality trait, it's a diagnosable mental health condition. "Symptoms such as insensitivity, lack of empathy, and manipulative tendencies are all hallmarks of NPD" By BetterHelp Editorial Team

Preparing yourself for the situation properly is the wise thing to do. Avoid throwing old-fashioned advice that might even make the situation worse. Humans invented thousands of drugs for a reason.

Read about NPD traits that I wrote in this article to spot the narcissist attitude, if you find at least five of the nine traits that are listed here more likely this person is being an abuser, to say the least.

2. You're Only A Supporter, Not Playing Anybody's Rule of Life.

As someone who is trying to help, I encourage you not to overwhelm yourself. I hope people-pleasers take this by heart and apply it all their lifetime.

Also, don't expect your friend to glow up with the lights of truth once you spill the ugly truth into their face. As you noticed, also did the victims, their lives are horrible already, but they're still stuck in there.

3. Put Yourself In Your Friend's Shoes

You need to know about the victim's situation too. Nobody is ready to hear the bad news, especially when it's about someone close to them. Leaving a life behind, calling it fake, and starting all over isn't a lovely scenario for anyone.

Add to denying the victims and holding into the abuser, that they might be suffering from trauma bonding or Stockholm Syndrome. Maybe they're also under danger or threats that they can't dream about rescuing themselves, like my poor friend that I've mentioned on top.

She lived years in horror and fear from all the death threats and kidnapping of her children, that she can no longer fight back, and accepted that destiny her entire life.

4. Listen and Empathise

The heartless life the victim lives in is crucial. When you approach the victim and start listening with empathy and believing that they're suffering and their pain is real is so empowering to the victim, and makes them remember what's right and what's wrong again, after all the brainwashing and gaslighting of the narcissist that made it so hard to distinguish anymore. Having someone next to the victim witnessing all the abuse is so validating.

5. Describe The Action, Not The Person

Avoid labeling them as narcissists. Some people will not consider every piece of advice as true, they might feel scared and ashamed of oversharing with you, or feeling that you're disrespecting their narcissist, whether that was a partner or a family member. Or from another perspective, they might think you're jealous of them, I've witnessed this one. It also can be something like their ego and pride getting hurt when others know that their life is miserable. Also, it can be just for avoiding conflicts. Lots of things might cause them to withdraw away from you.

Instead, listen carefully and empathize with the person's emotions and feelings. Ask how are they feeling? if they are ok after what happened? And offer the services that you can provide, which has no line crossed! Please, take it seriously. Sometimes dealing with a victim of NPD can be similar to dealing with hostages whose lives are under threat. You cannot predict narcissistic rage. Play it carefully.

6. Give Your Friend The Benefits of Doubts

You know now that your friend is under the spill of the narcissist, the longer the time the stronger the curse. Also, you know your limits, no force, no threats, or drama, because simply it doesn't work, usually. It might end up blaming you for interfering and ruining their lives, or things might get much worse.

Avoid jumping into the need to fix their life. When you're around them, as being a good listener, you're actually validating their opinions and feelings, which will eventually fire up their gut's feelings once again. This is exactly what you should be aiming for. To let them see reality on their own.

7. Be Mindful of What You Say

It's impossible your father would treat you like that? It must be something that you did.
Your husband is a sweetheart, you're just being sensitive.
He was kidding! why can't you see it as a joke?
Your mom is a sweet and kind person. She just wasn't in the mood.
It's the way that you dress, and the way you talk that brought trouble in the first place!

My dear reader, these were some examples of "Gaslighting". Yes, you're doing the same thing the narcissist does to the victim, empowering the narcissist, and diminishing the victim. Not to mention this is also what the victims do to themselves after being brainwashed by their abusers every single day, which is gaslighting themselves.

So please, keep it simple, listen and pat on the back. No extras at the moment. Don't get over-excited and start throwing some words here and there thinking it's just any normal bump-in-the-road that they can get over it with simple hacks.

8. Avoid Victim Blaming, Shaming, and Criticizing

The victim is already swamped with burden and shame. All they need is a real friend and a safe place for them to hide. Don't sabotage their only hope by criticizing them or not wanting to hear their issues and feeling disgusted with them or their situation. Sometimes it might come naturally like;

Eww, how can you still be married to that guy?!
You agreed to marry that person! No one forced you to do it!
You let your boss sexually harass you and you didn't do anything?
I can't stand hearing any more of what are you suffering, can you talk to someone else?

Yes, there might be others to talk to, sometimes not always, because narcissists always try to isolate them from everyone to keep them fully controlled by them.

Victims of narcissists are always depressed and burned out, and that friend chose you and trusted you among all, and clearly, they're in huge need of help and support. Simply put, don’t question the victim or make excuses for the narcissist.

9. Never, Ever, Face The Narcissist

Facing the narcissist is more likely going to make your friend's life much worse. The only outcome that will come from this is jeopardizing your friend or family member's safety. Even if that narcissist was someone you usually can go along with, by doing so, you're crossing the narcissist's territory and activating the shame and rage spiral of the narcissist.

"The narcissist will experience the narcissistic injury, aka “narcissistic wound,” which is what some people with NPD might feel when they encounter criticism, loss, or perceived abandonment.

Even though they may not show it, they may experience humiliation and rejection. It’s their feelings in these situations that may be considered narcissistic injuries.

Rather than express vulnerability and reveal how they feel, they may react with defiance, arguments, and even a narcissistic rage attack." PsychCenter _— By Sandra Silva Casabianca and Steph Coelho.

10. Step In When Asked Only

The victims know better about the situation. Stay close and wait for their sign. It's better not to offer any materials about NPD, abuse, or therapy until the victim request it.

More likely they will start asking for a save escaping plan, which I did myself, and wrote about it here in this article.

Dr.Ramani. Ph.D. said that you would want to be single forever rather than staying in a relationship with a narcissist. She has worked a lot with narcissists and written two books about them, and when she describes them she hits all the points accurately.

About Online Therapy

One of the strongest points of online therapy is that you can use it secretly. It's a service that is completely online. It can give victims full privacy, by reaching through any device that they can find, at coffee shops, libraries, or a friend's device. I once had my session on a text form, chatting on my WhatsApp like normal friends, and my narcissist was just next to me driving the car, which made me feel so powerful by the way!

It's a great way to reach out for help whiteout jeopardizing your escape plan.

Or simply when you're depressed and scared after running away from your narcissist and can't step outside of your house, you still can reach out for help! a qualified help, not just random bits of advice!

Click on the link here for a 20% discount on your first month at online-therapy.

References

1. What’s the Difference Between a Sociopath, a Narcissist & a Psychopath?

2. Stockholm Syndrome and Trauma Bonding in Narcissistic Relationships

3. Narcissistic Abuse Examples: How To Identify If You're A Victim Of Abuse

4. 7 ways to support someone in a narcissistic relationship

5. Do You Have A Friend With A Narcissistic Person In Their Life? Learn How To Help

6. How to Find a Narcissistic Abuse Support Group

7. How to Help Someone Who Is Being Abused

8. What to do if you’re worried someone is suffering narcissistic abuse

9. Trauma Bonding: What Is It and Why Do We Do It?

10. Narcissistic Abuse: What It Looks like and What to Do