I did some research about the types of narcissistic mothers and I tried to come up with some shared traits between most of the types, which might give you an overall view before getting deeper into the details of each type.
I also noticed after reading some books about narcissistic mothers that my experience with my narcissistic mother was different from the majority of victims at some points, but not all, in case you didn't feel the same when living your own journey.
Disclosure: This post includes some sponsored links that might’ve helped me or that I might’ve used before. Whatever you read in this blog is should not be considered or used as a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. It is a blog that provides general information and discussions about mental health and health-related subjects.
1. The Mother Concept
Bottom line, we were never been raised with the concept of a real mother, we understood, somehow, she's a person with the position of 'mother' that has powers over our free souls, and she was more of an enemy than an alley. I still don't know why and how? If you know please tell me in the comments below.
Also, no, it's not because someone was provoking us to hate her or anything as parental alienation children, not like that at all. It was our own deep conclusions. That she's like the stepmother in Cinderella story or something.
Unlike most victim daughters of narcissistic mothers, they actually grew up with the idea of having a 'real mother'. They couldn't bear the idea of not having a 'mother' in their life - which reminded me a bit of Dady Issues - The feeling of guilt that everything bad happened was the child's fault. And with lots of sadness and shame, that there must be something wrong with them and they failed to be loved or to be accepted by their own mothers.
These are very heavy emotions and beliefs that no one can bear, and sadly, it grows bigger and bigger if the victims, especially the daughters, didn't heal correctly.
2. Their Love has Never Been Sincere
I know this is very hard to believe, but you might have sensed it before you read this. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've never been loved for who you are, and never will be loved by her.
They cannot show any empathy no matter how adorable, achievable, people pleaser, and funny you are! Forget about your feelings around them, they're worthless and unimportant.
From my experience with NPD people, they, only love themselves, and the whole concept of keeping you around them and alluring you with love-bombing techniques, money, or using the abuse cycle, is for their own sake because they fear being left alone, as simple as that!
In the book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing The Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers. By, Karyl McBride, Ph.D. - She had a narcissistic mother and had been in a relationship with a narcissistic husband - has a different opinion from mine. She believes almost all mothers harbor good intentions towards their daughters, it's just that some are incapable of delivering these intentions correctly.
What do you think? You can comment below with your own thoughts.
3. Multiple Masks
When she has all the control over you, she won't be nice at all, she will be furious or demanding. That also means she will act aggressively or carelessly when you're alone with no one watching you, or when you're among her supportive trip, like the enabler or the other flying monkeys of family members.
When she has no control over you, she will 'Love-Bomb' you. That is, she will manipulate you by convincing you it's for your own good to listen to her. It also can be as frighten you with a long list of bad things that can happen to you which might include showering you with sudden/fake hugs or a plate of the food that you love, or a long nostalgic talk about how hard her life was. Anything that she knows will definitely convince you to do what she wants.
My mom did both masks, lucky me! But what she didn't know was that I was immune to all of her tricks. Sometimes it seemed like I was using her more than she used me. You can tell that we never got along because she couldn't control me either way! I was a bad supplier to her, alas.
4. Gaslighting You to Keep Them Supplied
This can take all sorts of forms, so make sure to elicit what are you facing.
Their aim of plotting this game is to make you, or others, believe it is all in your head or it's all your fault, not the narcissists.
Example: The narcissistic mother will criticize you or shame you for something, and you respond by defending yourself or perhaps putting some boundaries, but her response will be accusing you of being too sensitive! and doesn't want to listen to her 'productive criticism'. It's always you, never them.
It might even go further to start predicting some dark future that you will be cursed with by not allowing her to 'destroy' you! You're not giving her any chance to control you at the moment, so she will use the 'unknown' future to gaslight you more to the level that you need to bend over for her demands.
Humans put lots of hope in the future, that's why when the manipulators are out of tricks, or just want to use extra pressure on you, they'll start playing the dark future and cursing games to control the mindset of people. Which has worked very well as history can show us!
If that's what you've been facing, I want you to remember very well:
You're the one who controls your life! And bad things or accidents do happen! So, that manipulator didn't bring anything new when she/he talk about some dark stuff that happens to all humankind.
5. What You Put on The Table Is Your Worth
I must say this one was my biggest struggle that is still hard to overcome.
You and your siblings will never share the same 'value or worth'. You are measured by your successes, achievements, and what you provide her with, whether that is wealth, leverage, or reputation.
She will create a hierarchy among her children, and set competitions on 'pleasing her'. The winner will get the temporary title: 'This is my child!' and the rest are only bogus ones, Until they do for her something worth acknowledging!
I only wanted a peaceful life, filled with my imagination, but when you live in such a family they will never give you a minute to relax. Expectations and demands never end.
6. All For A Her Show
If you experienced any sort of love from your narcissistic mother it was only for the sake of the play. She will play a parade her entire life by manipulating you for her own benefit. Your image is her image, that's why she will deal with you as she's running a business.
This can be shown as a 'Controlling Form of Care', such as:
Care for your body image, also your partner's image, and his/her background.
Keeping up with your school's progress, scores, and trophies.
What type of friends, college, the field you're studying, and what job or workplace do you work at.
A mother can be concerned and offer lots of her own knowledge and experiences to guide her children throw the big life, that's acceptable. But you need to figure out who she is doing all of this for? her benefits? or yours?
7. Jealousy of You
Narcissists see their same-gender kinship members as an extension of their own. In the narcissistic mother's case, it's the female in the family who is represented as an extension of the narcissistic mother. Therefore, whatever you get that is much better than what she had going to make her jealous of you. That includes better body image, job, opportunities in life, experience, or even as ridiculous as having a coach better than yours!
They can ruin their life, fake health issues, or even create a health issue just to steal your moment of attention, out of total jealousy of you.
Also, let's not forget the famous life-long jealousy battle between you and the dad! Yes, your own dad. Whether he was an angel with her or not, as long as he shows you love or respect you're on her black list. She wants all the attention from your father, siblings, and even your partner towards her only.
Example: One of my brothers when he gets back home always meets me first and we talk and laugh for a while. The moment my laughs get higher she will immediately run towards us and start making a big fuzz of how loud I was laughing and why my brother would always first meets me 'the just a sister' not her 'the holy mother', and entertain me not her! I even tested it for several days, it doesn't matter how long we talk, the moment she hears my laughter she rushes like a soldier into the room bombing us with blame and criticism until we no longer talk because of her.
I had to add this extra famous example: You know the type of mother or relatives that
8. Flirting With Your Partner
I read victims' stories about their narcissistic mothers stealing their partners from them and can go as far as sleeping with them just so they can feed their low self-esteem and ease their jealousy of their daughters.
It can go as far as, I like that person, you must marry him/her, so she can add some glamour to her life, and enjoys seeing him/her regularly.
The narcissistic mother won't care about whether your children have school to attend the next day and you all should leave early because she wants to enjoy the company of your partner! She will stand against you, the daughter, and encourage the partner to do whatever he/she likes as long as it will keep her entertained. You will see her face glowing as if she's a teenager talking to her first crush!
If you didn't notice the flirting actions, you had at least noticed diminishing you next to your partner, and that's how she claims your partner as hers.
As my brother-in-law said, "I noticed your mother never ever advise me to take care of you. On the other hand, she only advises you to take care of me!"
9. Unsolved Questions
If you have had these questions on your mind for years, I encourage you to educate yourself more by reading more about narcissistic mothers.
- Why my mom hates me?
- Why is she always yelling at me for any reason?
- Why is she treating my brother better than me?
- How come she is jealous of me when dad shows me any attention?
- Why are my sisters and I never good enough to her?
- Why she must compare my achievements to her achievements?
- Why she never shows empathy or true caring?
- Why she always wears two masks inside and outside the house?
- Why I can never have a normal relationship with her?
- Why I'm feeling like an orphanage with her?
- Why she's always harsh on me?
- Why she's always expecting the worse from me?
- Why she's always stealing the light from everyone?
- Why she's driving me crazy?
I've found lots of narcissistic mothers categories when searching, they can differ in how they represent themselves but in the end up having these questions wandering for years in your mind without finding reasonable answers.
For example, I had a friend whose mother was totally different from my mother, in personality and interests, but they were both narcissists and treated their families the same way, that includes the husband and the boys too. The same destructive attitude of being the center of the world and everything goes around the narcissist and no one else is included. My family got along very well with my friend's family because of our fated mothers. This was the only thing that made us glued together for years. And the weird sisters that our mothers made of us which is totally a different topic.
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I prefer the proverb: Give the baker the dough (his bread) even if he were to eat half of it.
It is better to seek help from someone who is a professional or experienced in the matter than trying to solve it yourself -even if that means you will have to pay something in return. After all, your own sanity and safety are what you're paying for here.
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The more you take care of your health the happier you will become.
As always, I'm looking forward to reading your comments about this post.
References
2. Mothers Who Cannot Love Book By, Susan Forward Ph.D.
3. Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Book. Healing The Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers. By, Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
4. 7 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother & How to Cope By Choosing Therapy.com
5. 12 Signs Of A Narcissistic Mother & What To Do For True Peace & Freedom By mbgmindfulness.com
6. Narcissistic Mother's Dictionary By Daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com
Extra Books
1. Recovering from Narcissistic Mothers: A Daughter's Guide Book By, Brenda Stephens LPCC.
2. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents Book by, Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.
3. Narcissistic Mothers: The truth about the problem with being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, and how to fix it. Book By, Dr.Theresa J. Covert.
4. Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed Book by, Wendy T. Behary.
5. Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Book by, Stephanie M. Kriesberg, PsyD.
6. Healing For Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers Book By, Sheryl Simpson Ph.D.
7. Narcissistic Abuse Disarm the Narcissist and Take Back Your Life After Covert Emotional Abuse - Survive Toxic Relationships, a Narcissistic Mother, Borderline Personality Types (Narcissism Recovery) Book by, Dr. Paul Sharp.
8. Narcissistic Mothers and Covert Emotional Abuse Book by, Theresa Ph.D. Recovery.
7. Narcissistic Abuse Disarm the Narcissist and Take Back Your Life After Covert Emotional Abuse - Survive Toxic Relationships, a Narcissistic Mother, Borderline Personality Types (Narcissism Recovery) Book by, Dr. Paul Sharp.
8. Narcissistic Mothers and Covert Emotional Abuse Book by, Theresa Ph.D. Recovery.
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